I have been on anti-depressants on and off since the 5th grade. Crazy, right? (pun intended)
Depression in my family goes back generations as far as I can tell. Probably since the time of Eve. I mean, who wouldn't be depressed having all the problems of humanity blamed on them?! But seriously! I was a depressed little 5th grader. My teacher would have to call my mom and tell her I'm not happy at school and then I would get to come home and stay home for a couple of days until I felt like I was ready to go back. I remember having to get dressed in the morning and riding in carpool when my mom drove so that my siblings wouldn't realize I was staying home and complain.
I was also tested for ADD and put on some heavy medication which made me feel like I
was having an out-of-body experience and was soon taken off of that and pretty much decided to stop all medication. Anyway, my journey of medication has been long with a lot of ups and downs. Until about 4 years ago, while living in Utah, I was heavily depressed (c'mon I was living in Utah!! Hello! jk!) and began to have suicidal thoughts. Went to therapy, was sent to a Psychiatric hospital at the U of U to get evaluated, was not admitted, Yadda, yadda, yadda...
and finally went back to California. The land of happiness and sunshine. At least for me.
I went to see my Psychiatrist and was put on Zoloft and Abilify and my life was saved. Pretty much literally.
Everything has been going fine until about 2 weeks ago.
You see, I have been hiding a secret for a very long time.
But in a really weird way.
I haven't the greatest desire to have a clean house. A dirty house makes my brain go fuzzy like static on a television and I can't focus and I get in a bad mood and everything just goes crazy. But I just can't seem to clean it. I just can't seem to stay on top of it. Every once in a while I can do one huge clean sweep and then a hour later it is a wreck again and it drives me insane.
I also am a huge procrastinator.
I will have a dinner party planned a week in a half in advanced but cannot seem to pull it together until 2 hours before the guests are scheduled to arrive and then everything turns out great.
Same thing in school.
I'll have an essay due that I had 3 weeks to work on and I will write it the night before and get an "A" on it. 4.0 GPA.
I have the tools to be successful but I don't have the means to accomplish them.
I will also start doing one task (ex: loading the dishwasher) and will all of a sudden remember something else I needed to do (ex: respond to an email). I will then spend 2 hours on the internet and completely forget to finish the dishes until later that night when my husband asks me if the dishwasher is clean or not.
I was always feeling like a failure and I was sick of it!
I FINALLY decided to do something about this.
I went back to see my Psychiatrist.
Immediately he diagnosed me with ADD and put me on Adderall and I can't even begin to describe how positively my life has changed. But I'm not here to advertise Adderall since it is a super addictive drug and can cause great harm if not used properly.
The problem is that I always thought that the ADD kids were the ones in school who were jumping off the walls and couldn't complete their work and could barely pass their classes. That wasn't me.
(4.0 GPA, remember?!...side note: this GPA was in college NOT in high school)
I didn't want to be categorized as an ADD kid.
Suicidal depressed wack-job? Sure!
ADD? not so much.
I don't know why it had such a bad stigma to me but I always thought it was along the same lines as a "crack baby". For some reason I thought kids had ADD because their moms were doing drugs while pregnant. I have NO idea where this idea came to me. But as a 28 year old semi-mature adult I still can't shake this idea. Even though I know that my sweet little mom was DEFINITELY not taking drugs while pregnant with me I still have ADD.
I'm kind of rambling now...That's the ADD side of me that I'm still working on. The medicine helps but it doesn't solve everything. I've only been on it a week and we're still working on my dosage. And I'm still working on being proud of who I am and proudly saying,
Lilly was having a little bit of a rough day today so I thought I would surprise her with a trip to the ice cream store. She was in love!
Vanilla ice cream with M&Ms...her favorite!
I was feeling pretty good about myself as we got into the car and were about to pull out of the parking lot when I saw an unemployed man holding a sign on the passenger's side window next to my car. I decided to further my goodwill by offering this man some money.
So, I rolled down shotgun's window only to discover that the only change I had was a quarter and a nickel. Only 35 cents.
Embarrassed by my measly change I apologized for only being able to offer so little.
He kindly reached his hand inside my window to accept but as I went to place the two coins in his upturned hand I DROPPED THE FREAKING QUARTER.
Yeah, I dropped the quarter inside my car and it rolled down a crack.
By now cars were lining up behind me and waiting for me to just hurry up already.
I tried to put my car into park so I could unbuckle my seat belt and crawl down to get it but by this time the homeless man was feeling sorry for ME.
He told me not to worry about it and thanked me for the pathetic nickel I gave him.
And then as I pulled away and rolled up the window I laughed hysterically because that is what I do when I'm embarrassed.
I mean, who does that?
Who offers a homeless man a pathetic amount of change in the first place and then drops it?
Today is the first day in the history of my (almost) 3 year old's life that she chose this man:
to lay down next to her for nap time instead of her amazing mother.
You remember this, dear Lilly, the next time you ask me for dessert...
You chose HIM!
My little mommy's girl may be switching to the dark side.